I had to take her out, dear — your mother was developing weapons of
mass destruction
It is the year 2005 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark."Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army
Corps of Engineers demanded a
map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed
with the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission
that I am practicing discrimination by not taking
godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has
seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the
Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a
notice from the State that I owe some
kind of user tax and failed to
register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally
the ACLU got the courts to issue an
injunction against further construction of the Ark,
saying that since God is flooding the earth it is a
religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really
don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine
and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to
destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No,"
said the Lord sadly. "The government already has "
T H E
N O R T H
K O R E A N S T A T E
N E W S S E R V I C E
P I C K S U P O N
L E S S G L O B A L L Y
R E L E V A N T
A M E R I C A N N E W S .
- - - -
Sportings: Rangers of Texas 3, Red Sox of Boston 2
One of countless matches of the imperialist American game of bases-ball took place in the stifling heat of Arlington, in the very heart of territory stolen by Yankee colonial swine from Mexico in one of their many bloodlusting wars.
Not surprisingly, Dominican traitor-dog and counterrevolutionary Alfonso Soriano “stole” the second of four possible white square pieces of leather, inappropriately called “bags” by lying American jackals. Theft occurs even in the children’s games of the capitalist scourge America. This theft is the occurrence which won the match for the puny Rangers of Texas, named after the illegal, bourgeois, reactionary police force of the stolen territory of Mexico, Texas.
On the pile of dirt in the center of the four white square pieces—called a “mound” to insult the graves of heroic Marxist North Korean war dead—stood the pitcher for the assembled unit of Boston, Byung-Hyun Kim. Byung-Hyun Kim, from the illegitimate so-called Republic of South Korea, was sold into slavery by the lapdog prostitute government of South Korea to America. He now must stand upon the dirt hill at the center of the field and toss balls over one hundred times until exhausted and near death. The so-called Soriano “stole” the second “base” from him purposely to humiliate the Korean people. Both the imperialist Red Sox of Boston and the capitalist Rangers of Texas planned together for this insult to occur. The “defensive indifference” of the jackass Kevin Millar and the hyena Pokey Reese enrages all revolutionaries.
Films: The Terminal, starring the so-called Tom Hanks
The pig-America sense of comedy is ludicrous and oppressive. In this movie, created in CIA-Hollywood, the Tom Hanks is a foreign citizen held hostage by the donkey America KKK swine government inside one of their so-called fascist air terminals. They tell him his country has ceased to exist, in the usual snake-lies of USA. He cannot leave the airport, nor can he go home to his country, most likely blown up by American/FBI nuclear warheads in a war of economic terrorism and racist colonialism. The Tom Hanks is trapped by the nation-of-slugs America and humiliated by their greed. If USA-wolves are sending the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea a message-threat with this counterrevolutionary evil babbling, they will soon face the great dragon of Stalinist might. 2 stars.
Music: Lollapalooza Canceled
The infamous American music festival at which the stupid young are idle and lazy has been canceled. The whore Perry Farrell lies without remorse that poor ticket sales are to blame. Upon hearing the news, the peerless leader Kim Jong-il released the following statement: “The Sonic’s Youth and the Modest Mice have been fooled by treachery. I invite these Youth and these Mice to perform in Pyongyang, upon the stage of our state opera. If these Youth and these Mice accept, they must wear traditional Korean costumes and sing of cooperative land reclamation. They must not fear the poor ticket sales of cockroach America. I plan to honor the Modest Mice with burial in my father’s mausoleum.”
Thanks to my sole biological offspring, Michael Shimkus, and my 80-year-old Aunt Margaret for their recent contributions.